In the past few days, I have been given the opportunity to take an outside look at how I am perceived by others. A look in the mirror is healthy, for sure, but not always the funnest adventure.....
It would be safe to say that in my family, we have some very strong, opinionated people. Growing up, we all had a roll to play. While not going into who had what roll, it should be said that I was the eldest child of my parents. I was given a lot of responsibility at a young age to help my parents with daily chores, childcare and in some cases, being grown beyond my years. These experiences have helped shape me into the adult I am today and for the record..... I don't resent the experience AT ALL!
My roll as the eldest in a family of 6 children has, however, set me apart from some of my younger siblings. (There are almost 14 years between myself and my youngest sister.) Most of this "gap" is due to the generation difference, rather than resentment of our rolls. I graduated highschool with the family car being a 1972 VW Bus. Our most prized electronic device as a family was the VCR. By the time my youngest sister graduated, the family was on their fourth car with A/C and a starter that worked! The family had a microwave in the kitchen and Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom.
In short, reality between my younger siblings and me were vastly different - thus, making our view of the world, vastly different.
How can independent people having been born of the same genetic strain be so far different from each other? I submit - Natural surroundings. I am very confidant that this story is NOT unique.
I write this with sadness in my heart that I may never have a "good" relationship with some of my siblings as adults. I would however settle for a "civil" relationship. BUT - Not at the expense of giving up some of my core values. Not at the expense of overlooking what I feel to be abrasive or caustic attitudes from them or their spouses. I can not shed the "protector" aspect of my natural order of birthright. If I see something scary, I do react - in some cases vocally, in some cases in writing. For this, I am resented.
Over the years, I have tried to lessen my vocal objections and just keep my feelings to myself. This has helped somewhat. I think some of my family prefer my "vanilla" flavor. I have even told myself that I "don't care" what happens to by siblings by their choices - in any thing. I can't afford to care - emotionally, caring is too taxing. To this approach, I just come off as an ass.
I have recently been taught that I should always care - just look at things from a different perspective. I will try this latest approach. Maybe it will work. Maybe it won't. I will yet see.
To any of my siblings reading this, know that I am trying. Know that I love each of you for your uniqueness and despite your quirks. I hope you can do the same in return.
I have always enjoyed your frankness and honesty. I prefer that to wondering what someone is really thinking. That doesn't mean I have always agreed with you but thats never bothered me. You were the easiest in-law for me to get to know and I do still wish we lived closer. Part of that probably has to do with my proximity to my own oldest sister and that she has that typical oldest sibling personality so I am quite used to it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I love ya David!
Sometimes it's hard to care about people without caring about the results of their brain damage. Usually I try to only make a big deal out of something if it directly affects me or my family, or if it's despicable to the core. Otherwise, I think it's wise to smile and nod.
ReplyDeleteThat's not to say that I don't sometimes feel like people are idiots. :)
As for the sibling relationships, I think Kestners are unique. Like, seriously one of a kind. :) That's only bad sometimes.
I'm done now.
Like how that went nowhere?
Oh, also, you are really ballsy. Is that how you spell ballsy? :)
Ballsy it is.... Why is just writing my feelings considered ballsy?
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying that a lot of people are afraid to say how they feel about something for fear of suffering other people's wrath for it. That's all. I often don't have the guts to say what I'm really thinking/feeling. :) Power to ya!
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